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Joe, a telekinetic playboy, inherits a big house
with a horrible past. Naturally a bunch of big
breasted wannabe-porn stars move into the house,
even though they don't seem to have any jobs,
all they do is hang around the pool and have sex
with Joe. No, this is not a porno movie. Soon
enough, an evil supernatural power starts to kill
the beautiful girls off one by one.
In the beginning of Boardinghouse we are told
that we will get warnings before anything gory
or terrifying happens and they do this (quite
horribly I may add) in the first three deaths or
so but after that they seem to have forgotten
all about it. Anyway, so the movie begins with
letting us know how the previous owners of the
house died. The woman gets her hand chopped off
by the disposer, apparently this will kill you
even though she never actually falls to the
ground, instead she just stands there and watches
her hand being chopped off. Anyway, the man of
the house is simply pushed into the swimming
pool, causing him to drown (ehumm, yeah I know).
We're then introduced to the key character in
this atrocious slasher flick, Joe, a telekinetic
playboy who has inherited this house. The house
is soon swarming with big breasted porn star
rejects who can't act for shit. Their only
purpose in this movie is basically to die and
flash their boobs, they don't even get different
personalities so it's close to impossible
telling them apart. In fact, it actually seems
as if they've used different girls in each scene.
Shortly after they've all settled into the house
(even though we never actually see them move in),
a supernatural force starts killing the girls in
the most unimpressive ways. It seems as if it's
up to Joe to find out who's doing all this, will
his telekinetic powers help him on his way?
It really is impossible to describe a movie like
Boardinghouse because I've never seen anything
quite like it. Imagine a very cheap, homemade
porno flick from the 80s with the hardcore sex
scenes replaced with cheesy gore effects (think
food colouring from Wal-Mart). This atrocious
horror movie has to be seen to be believed. Oh
and don't you worry, you won't be bored for a
single second, it might be one of the worst
horror flicks in movie history but it is still
so entertaining. A good idea would be to get
really hammered before watching it to make it
even more amusing.
A guy rips his own guts out, we get some blood
splatter every here and there, we get an
ice pick through ones hand an done in ones neck.
For all it's worth, the soundtrack could have
been worse. The theme is a direct rip-off of
John Carpenter's Halloween theme but it works.
If you're a true slasher fan, Boardinghouse is
a movie that you just have to sit through if you
have the possibility to do so. The movie is
apparently quite hard to find but if you get
the chance to see it, do so because you will
never see anything quite like it ever again.
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