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Cemetery
Sisters |
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Joan and Leslie Simon are two sisters who grew up in a funeral
home and were picked on by the other children for living in
such a “weird” place. Now adults, they lure men with personal
ads and video dating, marry them, and collect their inheritance.
Their goal is to save up money to run the best funeral home in
San Francisco…of course the embalming experience doesn’t hurt
either! Countless men are snared into their web of madness
and murder, and the sisters encounter an obstacle in the form
of their oversexed Aunt Ingrid, who has come for
an extended visit.
If you are a frequent visitor of SLASHERPOOL, you might remember
that we’ve already reviewed Steve Millard’s “Criminally Insane”
and “Death Nurse” series’. I was lucky enough to run across this
little rarity that he produced after those movies. That aid,
you can pretty much guess that this is yet another sixty minute,
SOV quickie. Even though Millard pretty much uses the same
formula as his other productions, I have to give him credit for
attempting a different story and for improving on his craft
a little more.
Choppy editing seems to rule Millard’s flicks, and “Cemetery
Sisters” is no exception. At least there are moments when this
bad editing helps provide some of the best unintentional humor
this movie has to offer. Of course, the downside to this is
that it drags in a lot of places…quite typical in this case.
The same ugly house that was used in “Criminally Insane 2” and
the “Death Nurse” movies is used for the main set, although
Millard manages to branch out a little more in this one. Footage
of downtown Las Vegas and San Francisco is shown (although it’s
obvious that it was all taken from inside a car). And of course
(big sigh) Millard manages to incorporate footage from his “Satan’s
Black Wedding” and the first “Criminally Insane” in flashback
scenes where we see a young Joan indulging in some horror at the
“cineplex”…something I resented, but never reaches the overkill
of the other movies.
Bad acting also helps rule a Steve Millard film, but that’s
apart of their charm for those of us who are fans. The two
lead actresses (who they really are is anyone’s guess because
they are credited simply as “The Simon Sisters” on the video box…
not to mention I can’t find very much information on the movie,
period) turned out to be better than I expected…they aren’t good,
mind you, but at least I got the impression that they sat through
an Acting 101 class, or two. The other actors (many of which
were in Millard’s other productions, and obviously haven’t improved
from their prior stints) are wooden, as per usual. The same actress
who played the alcoholic inmate and the indigent woman from the
“Death Nurse” movies returns to play the sisters’ Aunt Ingrid…it’s
truly funny to hear her utter lines like, “Leslie, you’re not
hiding a nice young man in there, are you? You know Auntie
believes in sharing”.
There are also many completely laughable things to pick out of
“Cemetery Sisters”. In one instance, Joan is filming her profile
for a video dating service and refers to herself as Joan Stanton
(the only place that they are referred to as having the last name
Simon is on the video box). I was practically rolling on the
floor when the flashbacks of Joan as a young girl first appeared.
She’s played by what appears to me as a slightly retarded, chubby
little boy in make-up and a dress! Honestly, that made this movie
worth the paltry sum I paid for it…I wonder what that kid is doing
now, and if he ever quite got over the experience! And I absolutely
cheered when Joan shoots her newest hubby, a completely racist
gun-nut, and then says, “Well, I guess Marvin won’t have to worry
about the niggers and commies anymore”…you GO, girl. Also in Millard
tradition, the super-silly ending leaves things open for a sequel…to
the best of my knowledge, that hasn’t happened.
For fans of the “Criminally Insane” and “Death Nurse” series’,
you’ll probably have to do a little digging to find this one…I’m
pretty sure that you can order this from Incredibly Strange Filmworks.
Badly staged stabbings with a butcher knife (and in one instance,
a garden tool) that seem to go on forever…a bit gorier than the
other movies.
Some farting music that sounds like it was created on a Casio
keyboard…some abnormally loud synth stuff that seems to thrown in
during given moments to drown out the video tape hiss…some stuff
recycled from “Satan’s Black Wedding” and “Criminally Insane”,
a lot of which sounds like a cat running up and down a piano.
I’m not too ashamed to admit that I like Steve Millard’s
little movies. I would rather watch these than just about
all of the other SOV dreck I’ve sat through…but that’s pretty
much what you get with this one. Not a viable source of
entertainment for most, so I guess my final verdict is a
little biased. I thought it was an okay way to kill an hour.
Review By: The ScareMaker
