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Click:
The Calendar Girl Killer |
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| Use the darkbrown scrollbar to the right to scroll down for the review. |
A psychotic photographer,
who's subject matter focuses on babes 'n'
violence, takes some of his top models to his secluded ranch for a
weekend of pool lounging and photo sessions. Seems he was abused
by his crazy nurse mother and likes to dress up like her and kill women.
The person who reviewed this on IMDB claims that this little slasher
movie (directed by Ross Hagen, who also made the abysmal "B.O.R.N.")
wasn't ever completed. This would definitely explain the sorry-ass
condition of this thing....so knowing that before watching "Click"
actually made it kind of a fun experience.
This starts off
with a priceless montage of hardbodies wearing
bikinis and various amazon garb while brandishing various weapons.
Then we actually kick off with the story, which we sort of have to
pick up from the choppy editing. Hagen also plays the lead here
and hams it up as usual. He throws a party (complete with a heavy
metal chick-band) and tells an aging model (Andy Sidaris babe Dona
Speir) that he can resurrect her career. She does a bunch of tawdry
poses for him (juxtaposed with bad flashbacks of young Hagen getting
beat up by his mom) and then disappears from the movie entirely.
The main action
centers around a prissy little ingenue, and her ugly
biker boyfriend who tags along to the ranch. They fight about her
career, have sex in the kitchen, cheat on each other, make up...blah,
blah, blah. It takes about 45 minutes into this sucker before anything
really interesting happens. Amongst the drama are various scenes of
Hagen's "photo-shoots" which consist of girls in gaudy clothing
shooting
at flailing men with machine guns! It's all pretty hysterical.
One great thing
are the interesting B-movie personalities. Susan
Jennifer Sullivan (everyone's favorite bitch, Melissa, from "Friday
the 13th 7), Juliette Cummins (from "Friday the 13th 5" and "Slumber
Party Massacre 2), and Lisa Axelrod ("Decline of the Western
Civilization 2") play ill-fated models. Playgirl centerfold, Michael
Shane adds male eye-candy. Troy Donahue turns in another stupid
performance as Hagen's assistant. Hoke Howell plays a detective who
shows up at the end to piece the story together. Gary Graver
(responsible for "Trick or Treats") was the cinematographer.
Another bonus
is seeing Ross Hagen dressed up as a busty nurse,
running around shooting a flare gun, and making (muffled, dubbed-in)
wisecracks. I don't know if Hagen intended on creating any mystery, or
concealing the identity of the killer (he wears a surgical mask) but it's
apparent who they are from the first murder! The whole mess ends
pretty much expectedly.
Let this be a
lesson to all budding filmmakers: finish your movie
before marketing it. Granted, "Click" probably wouldn't have been
any
better if it had been completed...and maybe it's just better off that way.
The production values are really shitty, there are the expected bad
performances, and what was left of the actual movie looks like it was
edited with a chainsaw. No class and nary a nod to the suspense that
makes slasher movies enjoyable...but for some strange, stupid reason,
I enjoyed myself for the duration. Maybe it's the stinky cloud of cheesy
exploitation that's still lingering from my VCR.
Not very much...a couple of bloody deaths...one murder scene is set
to a strobe light (a creative attempt, perhaps?). Hagen goes apeshit
at the end and starts blowing things up, which is entertaining enough, I guess.
Words fail me...a lot of it is naughty synth-rock that probably
wouldn't make the grade anywhere else. The chick band at the beginning
provides some laughable entertainment...I swear to god that I heard a
fucked-up instrumental of Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" in here somewhere.
Even though I retained enjoyment out of "Click", I would have to
say that
it's just not a recommendable movie. It's trash with a capital "T".
Gets an extra star from me just for it's cheesiness and the fact that it
has two "Friday the 13th" actresses in it.
Review By: The ScareMaker
