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Something's
wrong with Sarah and the doctors can't
seem to figure out what it is. Her dad, Ben, finally
decides to take her to another hospital so he and a
bunch of other people enter the elevator late one
night, what they don't know is that their destination
is hell. As they get stuck on the 6th floor, they
have to face a new terror on each floor as they try
to make it out of the haunted hospital alive.
Here we go people. Dark Floors; The Lordi Motion
Picture, created by the band that won the Eurovision
song contest a couple of years ago. Apparently they
overestimated their fan-base in their home country
as the movie entered with awful numbers at the box
office chart and then dropped out of the top 10 after
only one week. This is catastrophic for a movie
in Finland and I'm guessing they were hoping that it
would be the horror film of the year. Well this is
not the case, and with several good reasons as well
because let me tell you, Dark Floors may have cost a
whole lot to make, but this is one bad movie. Perhaps
something got lost in translation (it's shot in
English language) and I'm sure that Mr. Lordi's
original vision was quite different from the end
result, either way, this is not a good film and let
me tell you why in a minute, but first let's look at
the awful, awful story.
Dark Floors is basically about a bunch of random people
who have to face a new terror on each floor as they
try to reach the bottom floor of a haunted hospital.
Now this really isn't all that bad of an idea but the
thing is, it's so incoherent and full of itself that
for most of the time it makes absolutely no sense at
all. It wants to be a ghost movie, a monster movie,
a zombie movie (inspired by Silent Hill, I'm sure),
a dark fantasy (a la Pan's Labyrinth) and a drama,
all at the same time. No wonder things got so messed
up along the way. With seven different names attached
to the writing credits, it's apparent that everyone
had a different vision for the film and in the end
you have no idea what the point of the whole movie was
because they never really bother to explain anything.
It's like they come up with all these terrific twists
(that were actually somewhat intriguing) but couldn't
figure out a way to explain them so they just didn't.
Like I said before, the movie is shot in English
language for whatever reason. Perhaps they wanted it
to be easier to sell to international markets (which
I highly doubt that it will be) but one thing's for
sure, they didn't pick a strong American cast. I was
actually wondering at one point if they just put an
ad up in some local newspaper that they were looking
for Americans currently vacating in Finland to star in
a horror flick and that these were the people that
showed up. To be fair though, the movie does look
expensive... until we get to the monsters. Seriously,
these outfits are so fake-looking and campy that it's
not even funny. If you've ever seen the band you
know what they look like, and they haven't done much
to make the outfits more realistic in the movie.
To be brutally honest with you, this simply felt like
a self-absorbed ego-trip for the band that everyone's
quickly forgetting. Dark Floors is a ridiculously bad
and poorly written horror flick (if you can call it
that) and it's a shame because I'm sure that all the
fan boys out there were hoping that this would be
awesome. Well, it's not. This movie is obviously only
worth checking out if you're a big fan of the band.
If you're not, don't waste your time.
An impalement and some corpses.
Pretentious and unsatisfying.
As usual, my soundtrack review pretty much sums up the
content of the movie that I just saw. Dark Floors is
indeed pretentious and unsatisfying as well as self-
absorbed. It's just a really bad movie and I only
recommend it for huge fans of the band.
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