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Haizmann |
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Three students head out to find the truth about the
antichrist who's apparently called Haizmann in this
ultra low budget Blair Witch rip-off. The three teens
get to experience many things along the way but when
one of them gets pulled in too far, the documentary
soon becomes deadly reality and the two friends have
to search for their lost friend.
Prepare yourself for one stupid review because I think
a movie this stupid should get a review just as stupid.
The film, which looks like a high school film shot by
a couple of students, rips off movies such as The Last
Broadcast and Blair Witch Project completely. So we're
introduced to the three overacting students (I will not
call these people actors, I refuse). The film jumps
from interview to presence every now and then and first
you think that you're in for some averagely bad
entertainment but when the actors start telling stories
about their childhood (even though they're still just
children), you know that this will be baaaad.
The stories that they tell have absolutely nothing to
do with the movie at all. The boy in the movie tells us
how he was raped by a guy when he was 11 years old and
the girl that I will from now on refer to as the blonde
bimbo tells us how her dearly beloved brother sadly
died in her arms while on the way to the hospital.
Ah well, everyone has a bad day sometime.
Anyway, so now we're in for some more interviews. One
is with an art exhibition owner (or whatever those people
like to call themselves) and he shows us a painting which
is supposedly made by Haizmann himself. And let me
tell you, that is one ugly painting! It looks like a
five year old boy made this, I can paint a lot better
than that I tell you. On with some other interviews,
and I found a particular one especially interesting,
now if I didn't get this wrong, this woman actually
says that the devil was a homosexual? What the hell?
Okay, so now half an hour has gone by and blonde bimbo
girl has started to freak out. So the director tells
us that "This may be the end of the movie" and you go
like "YES!!" and then you realize that in fact it was
too good to be true, there's an whole hour of the movie
left. Speaking of stupid dialogues that they say in
this movie. There's actually a scene where the kids are
at a devil worshiping party and a crazy lady grabs
blonde bimbo girl and tells her that she has to get
out of there and that it was unsafe there. Well,
blonde bimbo girl skips happily over to her friends
who ask her what the crazy lady had to say. Blonde
bimbo girl replies happily "She just said that it
wasn't safe to be here", the two friends smile
as happily as ever and keep walking around.
So blonde bimbo girl disappears and leaves the two friends
in panic. And here's this very funny scene where the
two friends run around in hysteria looking for their friend
while really funky electronic music is playing... oh wait,
that was just me pressing the mute button and putting on
my stereo due to boredom "love is like oxygen... nanana.."
gotta love that track. Anyway, so it appears that the
boy knew a little more about Haizmann than he had told his
fellow girl friend (who by the way has a very pretty smile).
She gets pissed off and he says "Hey I'm just as freaked
out as you are!" and she answers "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
FREAKED OUT LOOKS LIKE" and then she sits REALLY still
starring at the floor with a funny face. Well I guess that's what
freaked out looks like.
There are also many things in this movie that will make
you go "Well duh!". Like this one time when they're in
some kind of church and the candles are lit and the girl
goes "Somebody lit those candles!". I don't think I have
to go on with the review now do I? I hope you feel put
off enough of my review to avoid watching this flick.
If you've already bought it I can cheer you up by saying
that I did laugh a whole lot in this movie. Do avoid
this though if you have the possibility.
Neh. A bloody liver which I can only presume is from
some dead animal.
Apart from my funky dance music, this was pretty silent.
Gore! Scares! Atmosphere! Shivers! Screams! are just
a few of the things that this movie didn't deliver. This
was just as rotten as some of the things in my fridge.
You really do need to avoid this, it might kill brain
cells, I think it took some of mine at least.
Review By: AnthroFred
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