 |
Night
Screams |
|
|
  |
| Use the darkbrown scrollbar to the right to scroll down for the review. |
David is the typical all-American, popular, beer-guzzling, pill-
popping jock. When his parents go out of town for the weekend,
he decides to throw a wild party (like, duh?)... unbeknownst to
he and his friends, a couple of escaped convicts have taken refuge
in the basement of David's home... and suspiciously, as the
festivities commence, the guests are murdered one by one.
Have you ever farted in bed and then pulled the covers over your
head (also known as a "Dutch Oven" to our flatulence-savvy readers
out there)...just to find out what it smelled like? Okay, so
most of you wouldn't admit to doing that but for those of you in
the know, watching "Night Screams" is a lot like doing that.
You KNOW that it's going to reek and that getting off on your
own gas is kind of a ridiculous thing to do...but it's YOUR gas
and you do it anyway. Sadly though, "Night Screams" doesn't even
stink enough to be one of those satisfyingly stinky "egg farts"...
no, this is more like the result of laying up in bed all day with
the flu while taking medicine. Most of you are probably thinking,
'Now what the hell is he rambling on about?'...only those who have
experienced the dreaded "anti-biotic fart" know...but anyway, follow
along.
"Night Screams" is another one of the many mid-eighties slasher
movies that time SHOULD have forgotten (apparently someone deemed
it special enough to give it a DVD release)...and with good reason.
To call it unoriginal would be an understatement as it takes the
standard slasher set-up complete with clichés and hardly makes an
effort to add any spice of its own.... evident from the clips from
"Graduation Day" and an old John Holmes porno inserted to pad out
the time between kills...evident from the "too obvious" red herrings
and subplot involving the escaped lunatics...evident from the
injection of minor drama trying to pass for a plot...and evident from
the sluggish pacing that ends it all with a dead thud. All this leads
me to believe that "Night Screams" was the result of giving uncreative
cokeheads money to make...yet another...slasher movie. But anyway,
on to less severe indictments.
The actors here are the requisite amateurs for this type of slasher,
sometimes reaching that over-the-top point to snap us out of our fugue.
What's all the more laughable is that they are all obviously in (or
close to) their thirties and are supposed to be playing teenagers (not
an uncommon thing when you're talking about slasher movies, but these
guys couldn't stick out any more if you stuck them in walkers). Don't
even get me started on the fashions...I know that this was made in 1987,
but go to any trailer park in the midwest these days and you'll STILL
see people sporting these godawful mullets, poodle-hair, tight stonewash
jeans, and bold pastels. Too bad the characters here aren't as
"interesting" as the clothes they wear. We get the usual studs,
the
snobby girls, the token nerd, and the beautiful "nice girl"...all
stock
characters that we know and can appreciate, but aren't given a shred of
credibility in "Night Screams".
The direction...about as slow as watching an ant push a sand granual...
Allen Plone should be given some sort of award for creating the most
thrill less party atmosphere in slasher movie history. Guys and gals
pair off into couples for some sex or to go fetch wine or whatever
and are killed, while the rest of the characters completely forget
about them. Characters go off into separate rooms to sulk or wax
philosophic about their post-highschool futures...I don't know about you,
but I never did that at a party. Either way, this movie fails big time
at being suspenseful OR dramatic.
A fart is a fart, and a slasher is a slasher...both are tempting to
sample and then either be proud to own or denounce...but "Night Screams"
is one piece of ass-cheese that one should think twice about...and the
makers should have thought twice before bending over and unleashing
this upon the world.
I was
pleased with the high body count here...there's enough slash to
help you make it through. People get stabbed with various implements,
a girl is crushed underneath a car, a guy gets his face grilled, and in
a particularly funny scene, a girl is electrocuted in a hot tub...none
of the effects are all that impressive, but you just have to take that
for what it's worth. Seeing some highlights from "Graduation Day"
(we
get Linnea Quigley's infamous death scene) is a bonus, but one clip in
particular spoils the end for those who haven't seen it.
Some
of the WORST cut-rate synth bullshit I've EVER heard in an eighties
slasher movie...people NEVER jammed out to this stuff. One highlight is
the scene in a neon dance club, where a band (with not one, but TWO
key-tar players) performs "Chill Out" as a dance troupe called
"The
Sweetheart Dancers" (?) give us a floor show.
I
gave it one star because, and I've said it before, it's not THE worst
slasher movies on the whole...yet it's high contender for being one of
the most boring. It is watchable, but only in the most taxing way...
avoid if you can, but if you're a glutton for punishment or a die-hard
fan of slasher movies, go ahead and chalk another one up.
Review By: The ScareMaker
