Welcome
To Spring Break |
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Death comes to a
Florida resort town. The leader of a biker gang is
sent to the electric chair for the murder of a young girl. Claiming
that he was framed, he avows to return to avenge his wrongful death.
A year later, college kids roll into town to celebrate spring break
and are preyed upon by a leather clad biker who likes to incinerate
his victims. The baffled authorities try to cover up the murders.
After his friend disappears, a college boy teams up with a local
barmaid to catch the killer.
You would think
a movie that was a slasher, directed by Umberto
Lenzi (Cannibal Holocaust and Ferox), and featuring John Saxon as a
cop would have something going for it. The late eighties were an all
time low-point for slashers and this one just proves that mixing old
reliables with a different approach, does not a good horror movie make.
This movie starts off with one of those unforgivable pop-rock songs
sung by some hopeful starlet (her name being “Kirsten” in this case)
who lustfully croons “Take my body...but baby please, don’t take my
heart....”. Yeeeesh! We get a lot of stock footage from crowds of
spring breakers in skimpy swimwear and lines of cars rolling down the
strip. So far, it’s more like “Fraternity Vacation” or “Revenge of the
Nerds 2”. It’s that kind of cheekiness that starts this film out and
lingers until the bitter end.
Among the shenanigans lies the “plot” and various subplots that only
seem to function as a means to give false scares or set up people to
be victims. We’re treated to the resident practical joker, who tries
to fake people out with various gore props and a smarmy pickpocket
(amazingly, these two characters survive, and for no good reason either).
We also get a bevy of red-herrings ranging from the ghost of the
executed biker, to the sadistic sheriff, to a creepy priest...all of
whom could be the killer, but due to the movie’s brain-damaged plotting
and ever shifting focus, I doubt you’ll care very much about the final
revelation.
The leads in this movie aren’t much better. The hero is possibly one of
the worst actors ever. The heroine (played by Sarah Buxton, who looks
like she was spliced from the same gene that made Catherine Mary Stuart
and Alexandra Paul) provides some unintentional comedy as she unconvincingly
plays the role of streetwise local (I nearly peed my pants laughing during
the scene where she holds a biker at knifepoint and says, “Yell and I’ll
cut your fuckin throat out.”).
Shoddy production values are abound too...Lenzi isn’t the most accomplished
filmmaker, but you’d at least expect some excitement...this just lays like a
limp dick. Of course, the cheapest (and most believable) effects in this movie
are the breasts, and we don’t even get much of that. About the only thing
that
“Welcome To Spring Break” really has going for it is the killer’s
motorcycle,
which has a lever on it that electrocutes people...but even that isn’t used
to it’s full effect.
Cheap, sleazy, weird, campy...all words to describe “Welcome To Spring
Break”
...unfortunately it’s also very boring too when you get right down to it.
Not much...a guy gets his throat slit and the rest of the victims get
electrocuted (very fake)...they are shown afterwards with really bad burn
make-up applied to their faces...I suppose that the writers thought they were
being very clever when they created a slasher where the killer fries his
victims, but even “Don’t Go in the House” was better than this shit.
There’s actually quite a bit of music here and none of the rock songs are
any good. Amazingly, Claudio Simonetti did the music score for this. More or
less though, it all sounds like stuff recycled from “Demons” and
“Phenomena”.
Well,
avoid this one if you can...by the tawdry artwork you can get an idea
of where you’re headed. I would only recommend that you give this one a go
if you’ve rented every other slasher at your local video store.
Review By: The ScareMaker
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